Like most people I manage to keep the crazy within under wraps until you get to know me. If you know me well enough however (for a rare few) you'll know that I'm massively paranoid about everything.
To some that may appear to be a bold statement however let me tell you that I woke up worrying that the neighbours were still parked over my drive without looking out of the window to check which feels me with this feeling of "why do they hate me so much". Now a rational side of me says firstly check they are even there (only half over now yay) and secondly stop taking it personally. They saw an opportunity and took it. That's all. Still my mind rocks back and forth until I finally check and see the van is gone. Yay past the first anxiety of the day in 10 minutes.
It continues however in the new evolution that my car is broken and will it die entirely today? No it didn't (another yay). That isn't the end however as standing on my platform I then have a mini concern that a regular who gets on my train will be here and want to talk. He was here and and he did. Got through that. I've only been awake less than an hour and this is how much I worry. Ahead of me is a whole day of worry, paranoia and anxiety which is standard.
Is it just me? The other half is the opposite and cannot fathom why I worry so much and half the time nor can I. I seem to be in a constant state of concern but at the moment I've really upped the ante.
I have some standard worries like:
- money (who doesn't) or more importantly not having enough
- Family - been a tough busy year for both sides of the family and I worry about them all and how they are coping
- Friends - I'm always concerned that I'm not seeing them enough and that they may stop liking me all together (I know this is particularly pathetic but it's an honestly almost a daily concern of mine)
- Relationship status - I've come to realise that I compare mine with everyone else and i really shouldn't. We are one of a kind so how could I compare.
You may notice work is not on that list. Well that is something I don't actually feel concern over. I have a stable job where I have an open and honest relationship with my manager and i Know what is expected of me and other than the commute I feel stress free from that side of things. I do get paranoid sometimes that people may dislike me in the work place but I've come to accept this as a possible fact (forget the haters because haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.)
Where does this paranoia and anxiety come from, I don't know. It's been my dark passenger (yay Dexter quote) for so long I forget when it all began. I talk this out with the other half a number of times a day but it's not getting better. Until it begins to control or disrupt my life entirely I'll continue with my mini inner turmoil. I hope it isn't just me however. Misery love company they say and it would make me less consciousness if I knew I wasn't alone in these feelings.....
That's all folks on that. Peace out ☮️✌️
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